crushcrushcrush

I am almost convinced I have A.D.D. I used to be able to write/blog/journal freely & frequently. Now it's sporadically or as time permits, which as of lately has been really lacking. As my co-worker/work mom says, "You're trying to fit 38 hours into a 24 hour day." Maybe so...

It's finally happened. It's only taken 4 years. It's briefly taken a hold of my brain/life/heart. I found an amazing man that reciprocates the same feelings. (I hope) After spending the past 4 days with each other, I'm pretty sure there's a little something there. I'm floating again, I'm smiling again, I'm happy again. I've finally let my heart move in that direction. Here's hoping it works out & I'm not left in the dust again... although his loving caresses are almost worth it. almost. & for the gremlin's sake, I hope he doesn't hurt us. Neither of us could take that but I want so bad to take this risk & find out.

My job is still hell but I suppose I'm getting the hang of it. Now if I could just get in the habit of holding my tongue, not losing my patience, and being fake with the rest of the 'girls' I might be set. It's a paycheck that pays my bills & I know I do a good job & everything I can do. For now. There's been too many close calls lately.

Back in school. School is going bad, due to my lack of motivation & interest in the subjects I have left. After 3 years, I finally got a new tattoo to motivate me & strengthen myself to succeed. & time is running out...in every aspect of my life. I need to buckle down & get this - school, work, love, life.

Here's hoping this year will be better than the last... so far, so good<3

my name is a disappointment, i only disappoint myself

I keep failing at everything. Why, you ask? It's because I rely too much on people, & alcohol. *nods* I'd go to AA but I hear it's for quitters, and I have a shrink fear thanks to my mom (who just so happens to be one of those...)

I also got so used to my life the way it was, and even though some time has passed, I still refuse to let go of it - subconsciously moreso than consciously though. I've made some silly mistakes recently...a lot of it included tequila. I'd say I'm going to wisen up but the alcohol numbs everything and makes me feel like I have friends and relationships.

Off to go watch House...now there's something that'll really make me feel great. Hah

I'm never coming back if I could only get out of the bed in this room

I got Edward. I got the one I wanted. & now *I* am not so sure I want this...!?!? If it were possible for me to pay someone to figure out my brain, it would cost more money than my entire life savings.

I know that dating a guy with different interests seems fun in the begining, but after a while, it gets boring. Especially when he won't do anything you're interested in. I mean, really? How selfish, "I'm not a circus guy." But apparently *I* like the circus & you could come out of your damn shell (& hole) for something. Anything. I don't know anymore. I'm just not satisfied with anything in my life right now. I thought he could at least make one aspect of it happy, but getting him to go out or even hang out with me is like pulling teeth.

I can't even write properly anymore. All the witty, sarcastic -ness has been drained out of me. Actually, all energy has been drained out of me. I have no umph to even do school anymore, or be a good mom & play with my kid. *sigh*

I can only drunkenly dance back & forth in my living room for so long.

i know you see what you're doing to me, tell me why

...

you could write a book on how to ruin someone perfectly

...

i'm sick and tired of your reasons, you say you love me then push me down

i once was young and starry eyed and now i have these bittersweet memories

I'll grow old & wind up alone. I'm convinced of this. I only fawn over people that are unattainable & if someone does try, I shoot them down. I didn't mean to...I got complimented then asked for my phone number. I turned an awful shade of radish red, said no, then ran for cover. I have some sort of social disease I think...

Edward seems to be a lost cause. I was likened to a kitten & string, with him being the one that controls the string. I agreed (in my head) & said "ENOUGH!" Then he told me I looked nice today...one stupid compliment & I go all gaga. So much for self control. But then, I never had any with anything in my life...which is why I am where I am now.

But the following quote is why I love my friends so much. When explaining about Edward then the poor mall guy that tried to ask me out, & how shy I really am...this was her response:
"you're hot and smart and one of the raddest people i know. it's selfish of you to keep it to yourself."

Maybe one of these days...I can't remember a sober meeting for anyone though...maybe I need AA...or a psychotherapist.

quote

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult...the day the child forgives himself, he becomes wise."
-Alden Nowlan

well I guess this is growing up

I'm stuck between growing up and living in the past. I can't really manage to move on, to move forward, nor can I manage to go that far back in the past & live how I used to. This is my dilema for the week, month...year, no, life.

My life was sex, drugs & rock'n'roll. Literally. Now...I guess 'rock n roll mama' is trying to grow up but it's hard to move on from your first true love. It fit. *I* fit in. The only place I ever did. More good memories than could be counted, even more good memories forgotten in drunken stupors on hotel floors and parked cars. Do I really want to go back there? Do I really want my kid to see me in that place? Do I really want my kid to be that?? Dear lord.

This upcoming weekend is my weekend off. No child. For a WHOLE weekend. I'm so giddy and tired and hopeful for an amazing time that I can't decide WHAT to do. It was supposed to be my weekend gettaway with "Edward" but true to suit, he cancelled. Well, he arranged it to his liking rather. Apparently he's gay or a terrified virgin because I think he's scared to spend the night with me. I mean really?! Don't you even know me? You really think I'd jump you? I may think about it and talk about it (thank you drunk dialing) but I wouldn't actually do it...I'm much too classy a lady to do that. Please. So anyways...he stated he doesn't like to do things on Friday except unwind (which ruins my plans of leaving Friday night) & will only do a day trip & spend the day w/ me on Saturday (rather than the whole weekend). Wow. What part of "weekend trip" did you not understand, genius? He killed it. I mean, it'd be nice to have a hotel room to myself - with QUIET - but how lame would that be?! & with my ADD, I'm pretty sure I would be bound to get bored after twenty minutes. So I don't know if I even want to do it anymore.

The other option is drive up to DC - 3 to 4 hour drive - and meet one of my best friends for a show. & spend the weekend w/ her. Which would most likely consist of driving, drinking, singing, hangover, driving. Not really that great when you step back and think about it. I could do the drinking/singing/hangover WITHOUT the driving right HERE. Just as I did on Friday. But it IS my best friend & favorite band. So I'm torn. Growing up is a bitch.

Aaaaand out of introspect mode...never was really good at it unless I was high anyways...

Today was a good day, minus where I had to beat the kid for not taking a nap/following instructions/blatantly being a little asshole to me. By beat, I mean spank...in private...damn those PC heretics for not letting me raise my child my way. We met up with a friend and had brunch at an awesome old school diner - I had the most delectable chicken & egg quesadilla. It was a bit spicy, moreso than I would normally go for, but man was it amazing! A piece of heaven was in my mouth today! After that, I went to a music store. Yes, a real live music store!! I found one!! AMAZING! Let's just ignore the fact that it's a corporate chain piece of shit...they still had MY MUSIC<3 So I was able to get the new album of the band I may or may not be seeing on Saturday (Bowling for Soup), one of Butch Walker's new ones (I'm soooo behind the times...), and an old Old 97's album. Heavenly. (There was obviously a lot of heaven in my day today) I also got the little gremlin Finding Nemo, which I had been promising for forever. I also got him Alice in Wonderland so he can watch that while I go see the movie that comes out FRIDAY!!! Woot! Oh, & an old school punk rock video compilation...so my kid will have some rockers to look up to. Haha! We then went to my favorite store, Target, where I spend too much money. [I think I will be openning some stocks w/ them & Starbucks in the near future, or they'll hire me to be their spokesperson.] Also got my homework done, some laundry done. Everything but cleaning the kitchen sink that's piled up four feet high with dishes. I could never be a housewife...unless I had a dishwasher. & maybe a maid. HAHAHA! So yes, good day. Time to fold laundry...& watch CSI. So I can have hot, sexy dreams of Nic Stokes. Heee! xoxo