Sunday, April 25, 2010

my name is a disappointment, i only disappoint myself

I keep failing at everything. Why, you ask? It's because I rely too much on people, & alcohol. *nods* I'd go to AA but I hear it's for quitters, and I have a shrink fear thanks to my mom (who just so happens to be one of those...)

I also got so used to my life the way it was, and even though some time has passed, I still refuse to let go of it - subconsciously moreso than consciously though. I've made some silly mistakes recently...a lot of it included tequila. I'd say I'm going to wisen up but the alcohol numbs everything and makes me feel like I have friends and relationships.

Off to go watch there's something that'll really make me feel great. Hah

Saturday, April 17, 2010

I'm never coming back if I could only get out of the bed in this room

I got Edward. I got the one I wanted. & now *I* am not so sure I want this...!?!? If it were possible for me to pay someone to figure out my brain, it would cost more money than my entire life savings.

I know that dating a guy with different interests seems fun in the begining, but after a while, it gets boring. Especially when he won't do anything you're interested in. I mean, really? How selfish, "I'm not a circus guy." But apparently *I* like the circus & you could come out of your damn shell (& hole) for something. Anything. I don't know anymore. I'm just not satisfied with anything in my life right now. I thought he could at least make one aspect of it happy, but getting him to go out or even hang out with me is like pulling teeth.

I can't even write properly anymore. All the witty, sarcastic -ness has been drained out of me. Actually, all energy has been drained out of me. I have no umph to even do school anymore, or be a good mom & play with my kid. *sigh*

I can only drunkenly dance back & forth in my living room for so long.