my name is a disappointment, i only disappoint myself

I keep failing at everything. Why, you ask? It's because I rely too much on people, & alcohol. *nods* I'd go to AA but I hear it's for quitters, and I have a shrink fear thanks to my mom (who just so happens to be one of those...)

I also got so used to my life the way it was, and even though some time has passed, I still refuse to let go of it - subconsciously moreso than consciously though. I've made some silly mistakes recently...a lot of it included tequila. I'd say I'm going to wisen up but the alcohol numbs everything and makes me feel like I have friends and relationships.

Off to go watch House...now there's something that'll really make me feel great. Hah

I'm never coming back if I could only get out of the bed in this room

I got Edward. I got the one I wanted. & now *I* am not so sure I want this...!?!? If it were possible for me to pay someone to figure out my brain, it would cost more money than my entire life savings.

I know that dating a guy with different interests seems fun in the begining, but after a while, it gets boring. Especially when he won't do anything you're interested in. I mean, really? How selfish, "I'm not a circus guy." But apparently *I* like the circus & you could come out of your damn shell (& hole) for something. Anything. I don't know anymore. I'm just not satisfied with anything in my life right now. I thought he could at least make one aspect of it happy, but getting him to go out or even hang out with me is like pulling teeth.

I can't even write properly anymore. All the witty, sarcastic -ness has been drained out of me. Actually, all energy has been drained out of me. I have no umph to even do school anymore, or be a good mom & play with my kid. *sigh*

I can only drunkenly dance back & forth in my living room for so long.

i know you see what you're doing to me, tell me why

...

you could write a book on how to ruin someone perfectly

...

i'm sick and tired of your reasons, you say you love me then push me down

i once was young and starry eyed and now i have these bittersweet memories

I'll grow old & wind up alone. I'm convinced of this. I only fawn over people that are unattainable & if someone does try, I shoot them down. I didn't mean to...I got complimented then asked for my phone number. I turned an awful shade of radish red, said no, then ran for cover. I have some sort of social disease I think...

Edward seems to be a lost cause. I was likened to a kitten & string, with him being the one that controls the string. I agreed (in my head) & said "ENOUGH!" Then he told me I looked nice today...one stupid compliment & I go all gaga. So much for self control. But then, I never had any with anything in my life...which is why I am where I am now.

But the following quote is why I love my friends so much. When explaining about Edward then the poor mall guy that tried to ask me out, & how shy I really am...this was her response:
"you're hot and smart and one of the raddest people i know. it's selfish of you to keep it to yourself."

Maybe one of these days...I can't remember a sober meeting for anyone though...maybe I need AA...or a psychotherapist.

quote

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult...the day the child forgives himself, he becomes wise."
-Alden Nowlan

well I guess this is growing up

I'm stuck between growing up and living in the past. I can't really manage to move on, to move forward, nor can I manage to go that far back in the past & live how I used to. This is my dilema for the week, month...year, no, life.

My life was sex, drugs & rock'n'roll. Literally. Now...I guess 'rock n roll mama' is trying to grow up but it's hard to move on from your first true love. It fit. *I* fit in. The only place I ever did. More good memories than could be counted, even more good memories forgotten in drunken stupors on hotel floors and parked cars. Do I really want to go back there? Do I really want my kid to see me in that place? Do I really want my kid to be that?? Dear lord.

This upcoming weekend is my weekend off. No child. For a WHOLE weekend. I'm so giddy and tired and hopeful for an amazing time that I can't decide WHAT to do. It was supposed to be my weekend gettaway with "Edward" but true to suit, he cancelled. Well, he arranged it to his liking rather. Apparently he's gay or a terrified virgin because I think he's scared to spend the night with me. I mean really?! Don't you even know me? You really think I'd jump you? I may think about it and talk about it (thank you drunk dialing) but I wouldn't actually do it...I'm much too classy a lady to do that. Please. So anyways...he stated he doesn't like to do things on Friday except unwind (which ruins my plans of leaving Friday night) & will only do a day trip & spend the day w/ me on Saturday (rather than the whole weekend). Wow. What part of "weekend trip" did you not understand, genius? He killed it. I mean, it'd be nice to have a hotel room to myself - with QUIET - but how lame would that be?! & with my ADD, I'm pretty sure I would be bound to get bored after twenty minutes. So I don't know if I even want to do it anymore.

The other option is drive up to DC - 3 to 4 hour drive - and meet one of my best friends for a show. & spend the weekend w/ her. Which would most likely consist of driving, drinking, singing, hangover, driving. Not really that great when you step back and think about it. I could do the drinking/singing/hangover WITHOUT the driving right HERE. Just as I did on Friday. But it IS my best friend & favorite band. So I'm torn. Growing up is a bitch.

Aaaaand out of introspect mode...never was really good at it unless I was high anyways...

Today was a good day, minus where I had to beat the kid for not taking a nap/following instructions/blatantly being a little asshole to me. By beat, I mean spank...in private...damn those PC heretics for not letting me raise my child my way. We met up with a friend and had brunch at an awesome old school diner - I had the most delectable chicken & egg quesadilla. It was a bit spicy, moreso than I would normally go for, but man was it amazing! A piece of heaven was in my mouth today! After that, I went to a music store. Yes, a real live music store!! I found one!! AMAZING! Let's just ignore the fact that it's a corporate chain piece of shit...they still had MY MUSIC<3 So I was able to get the new album of the band I may or may not be seeing on Saturday (Bowling for Soup), one of Butch Walker's new ones (I'm soooo behind the times...), and an old Old 97's album. Heavenly. (There was obviously a lot of heaven in my day today) I also got the little gremlin Finding Nemo, which I had been promising for forever. I also got him Alice in Wonderland so he can watch that while I go see the movie that comes out FRIDAY!!! Woot! Oh, & an old school punk rock video compilation...so my kid will have some rockers to look up to. Haha! We then went to my favorite store, Target, where I spend too much money. [I think I will be openning some stocks w/ them & Starbucks in the near future, or they'll hire me to be their spokesperson.] Also got my homework done, some laundry done. Everything but cleaning the kitchen sink that's piled up four feet high with dishes. I could never be a housewife...unless I had a dishwasher. & maybe a maid. HAHAHA! So yes, good day. Time to fold laundry...& watch CSI. So I can have hot, sexy dreams of Nic Stokes. Heee! xoxo

another meltdown

I almost went crazy yet again, but I luckily have a best friend here. Who is disguised as a guardian angel. For both me & my son's case. She took him for the night. So I could calm down. So I could have a break. So I could breathe again. & boy did I breathe...

It was supposed to be a nice quiet night at home including homework and CSI, but it ended up into the decision to go to A bar for A drink. Which turned into three or four or five drinks, but who's counting...right?! I had fun. I let loose (a bit)...& met an awesome band & some local dudes that let us chill on their boat! THEIR BOAT! Hell yeah!

I am not looking forward to the temper tantrum that will ensue tomorrow but I am more than greatful to my BFF that took him off my hands for one WHOLE night. More amazing than any birthday present I could ask for!

I made friends with an ex navy sailor that was born and sailed overseas, an ex law/anthropology student that decided to give it all up to sail, and a band that knew the punk rock I grew up with. It was an amazing time & now I really need to pass out. I'm sure I'll write more tomorrow, with witty commentary included, but I am so tired. And happy. Thank god!

no hablo ingles

I'm fawning after a man that isn't that much into music. Is he really that great if he can't even share my love? I've done his movie thing...while fun, it's not what *I'm* into but does he even care? ALL of my ex's were musicians...but maybe that's fate trying to tell me to move the f&*$ on and try something new??? (Edward is being amazingly confusing to me, as usual)

I am trying to plan a spur of the moment trip back home to Florida. My BFF here said she'd watch my Gremlin for the day and a half I'll be gone. All of this for a show (one of my loves)...& for my friends that I'm so homesick for. Upon doing so, I'm realizing that a lot of my best friends, all of these super humanly amazing people, I met at shows. I met them at shows or because of bands, or something of the like. & that part of me has withered away & died. It's killing me. The spontaneity in my life has gone and it is truly killing me slowly. Either that, or it's making me uncomfortably mentally unstable. I haven't decided which yet...

But this is what I would be going for:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L174xUWK6bg

So if I do plan this trip back home, that means no new bed. Or no paying off 1 credit card. I think it's a price I'm willing to make even if it does mean I'll be scrambling for money next month... *thinks to self* "Thank god I put back half the stuff in the WalMart cart tonight!" HAHA! My sanity is worth $330, right?! Muuuch cheaper than a [head]shrink in the long run.

Tomorrow is Friday, finally. My week from hell has almost ended...psyched! Now I just have to prepare for Plan A & Plan B for this weekend. [& no, not the Plan B morning after pill kthx. Edward would actually have to show some interest in me for me to need that...pffft]

Plan A - Go to Orlando, FLORIDA <3 Dinner w/ friends/fun/sleep. Shopping & SHOW<3 Fly back to yucky ghetto state

Plan B - Stay in yucky ghetto state...Dr Seuss Birthday celebration readings & activities, birthday party (one of Gremlin's friends), get obnoxiously drunk to forget that I'm NOT in Florida, nurse hangover all Sunday.

Somehow Plan A is looking a hell of a lot better...in both instances. We shall see! I actually need to fit in HOMEWORK in the middle of all this...uh oh! I need sleep, good night all!

sometimes i think i need a vacation

breakdown at 9 on floor 2
classy.

today's not been my day. between the breakdown (due to a certain gremlin & stress), a bombed history test (ALL MY fault, to make matters worse), and disaster in my apartment, i think i'm pretty much done for the month.

at least edward's around to keep me giggling and feeling dumb. btw, i don't want to play anymore...unless it's for keeps

might be getting my long overdue new tattoo this saturday...and visiting the gun range ... something to look forward to! <3

random

I seldom visit this site. I seldom write anymore, much less blog. But it's funny how certain things or events bring me right back to here. I guess not having any friends is finally taking a toll on me. God forbid I don't have anyone to bitch to, or talk boys with!

I'm writing this in procrastination of studying for a history test. I don't know why I just can't force myself to read the crap, but it's a whole hell of a lot more boring that I imagined it could be...being a self-paced (somewhat) online course and all. My test is open for an eight day window...in which I have two days left to take it. I guess I should get reading...but alas, there are just so many facebook games out there!

My life hasn't changed much since I blogged last year. But then again, it's gotten a whole hell of a lot more lonely. I have a few friends in town, most of whom would probably drop everything at the blink of an eye for me, but I have this problem with asking for help. My mother moved out of the country so any help with my little gremlin went out the window. Speaking of the little gremlin, he's three. THREE YEARS OLD! I've had a child and cared for said child for three years without killing him or completely fucking him up! Plus full time work, plus full time job. I deserve a mother fucking medal of honor, damn it! It is nice to get the random messages from good friends, or even acquaintances, saying that they admire me or that they're proud of me. It reminds me that people do recognize and appreciate the multiple-job day-to-day gruel I endure. But sometimes, it's just not enough. While I love the gremlin, I lack the patience needed to be a great mother. And the time. Maybe if there were ten days in the week, I could be just a little better mother, employee, student, friend, etc. I don't even know who or where my freinds are anymore, they've all but disappeared since I started school last summer. I miss them. (I still miss home.)

I realized that although I hate my job, I do like the fact that I can "train" with other people and do a variety of things in my work day. I am no longer limited to doing data entry for an hour, and having to sit and look busy for the other seven. I've been helping with various departments, learning other jobs, and keeping busy...much needed for my sanity, as well as my ADD. Through work, I also realized that I developed a crush on my co-worker. A crush...at my age...haha! (**Not that I'm old per se, moreso my situation makes me feel older than I really am) I guess that would be fine and dandy except the idiot can't make up his mind. Or if he has made up his mind already, but he's definately not come out and let me know. And it drives me crazy. Past and present tense. Movie and lunch today, no clue what that was but at least it was fun. And a break from Gremlin. I could talk to the man all day...about everything and nothing all at once. And the last time someone made me smile and laugh like that...well, you know the rest of the story... He's just so god damn fickle. I think I shall call him Edward (yes after that trashy Twilight series we all secretly love so much). And yes, the irony in this is that he does hate the Twilight series with a passion, I love it and it works! I'd give a time limit on him, but the last time I did that, it didn't quite work in my favor.

So I saw From Paris With Love with my "Edward," and just as before, my fascination and love for John Travolta has sparked. He is such a badass in this movie, it's amazing. And of course I like guns and pretty things, movie explosions included, so this was pretty sick. I managed to find a sucker, er, sitter for my gremlin next weekend so I can go to the shooting range. Previously mentioned co-worker may go with me, we'll see. Also upcoming with my "Edward" would be a possible trip to a town an hour away...for a weekend. Hahaha...I bet anything the fickleness will win, he'll cancel, and I'll be in a beautiful hotel or timeshare (for FREE!) by MYSELF. How depressing would that be?! If that happens, I cannot be held accountable for my spending spree that will ensue. Oh how I do need a nice little Dolce & Gabbana dress, haha!

Oh, I do need a hobby. It's just that I haven't any time for one! Or money...considering the fact that I need moola both for the said hobby as well as for daycare. I would love to go to the shooting range more! I would also love the following things: bellydancing, kickboxing, self defense classes (I think I've beat up my neighbor so much he hates me), pole dancing (it intrigues me, ok?! and maybe if I had this down, Edward wouldn't be so flipping fickle), sewing (as in making clothes), general arts and crafts projects, ballroom dancing, salsa dancing, cake decorating, and the list goes on and on. Oops, another problem...I apparently have this social anxiety disorder and can't do anything ALONE! WTF?! We'll see what happens in the coming year...it IS a new year after all, right?! I need to sleep...because I need to wake up early...because I procrastinated too late and didn't do a lick of styding...oops again!!!!!